Jul
It’s a trap we’ve all fallen into. We want to see our kids succeed on the ball field and we invest our minds, our hearts, and our bank accounts into seeking out that perfect team—that team where everything finally comes together.
And then it doesn’t. I must say up front that I have not shared this experience until this year, at least not to this degree.
There are three things that will kill a season, sometimes before it even begins.
Daddy Ball
This is the phenomenon where a Dad is coaching the team and one of two things happen. One is that Daddy’s girl can do no wrong and the team is truly a vehicle for her playing career, a team designed to expose her talent even at the expense of others. Two is that Daddy’s girl can do no right, is always being yelled at and when not being yelled at, being given “the look.” Daddy Ball ends up being counterproductive and disruptive to the team either way. It is easily disguised by a star player standing out, and the team winning—parents will wrestle with what they see, but tend to ignore it when winning.
The wheels come off however when the losing starts and the fingers start pointing.
We don’t often hear of “Mommy Ball” but it happens as well. The principle is the same.
Some coaches balance having their player on a team they coach really well, they know the risks and work to juggle them, and many times, because the player is around the game 10x more, that player is in fact better. Be sure to leave your own biases aside and evaluate players just as objectively as you ask a coach to.
Some programs seek to avoid issues of Daddy/Mommy ball by having non-parent coaches. Does it guarantee a great team/coaching experience? No. See the next two problem areas.
Relationship Issues at Home
When the coach is having problems at home, those problems always sneak into the game. We are all fallible and we don’t live in neatly organized boxes. Life blends sometimes at the worst of times in the worst of places.
Being late to practices or games, suddenly delegating every task to become only a figurehead, or avoiding home responsibilities altogether and making softball a surrogate child. Relationship issues can show up in irrational game decisions, insecurity, and eventually jealousy.
It’s not easy for a coach having relationship issues to come to practices and games where other parents are supportive of each other and their child. I’m not saying that coach will show favoritism towards other kids who have it tougher at home, but I’m not saying they won’t. It happens.
Young athletes sense this and get lost in the emotions of it all. Being a teenaged, female student-athlete is tough enough. Players don’t need adult problems tossed in their faces.
Financial Issues at Home
This looks similar to the relationship issues at home, where one can start to avoid responsibilities at home and turning the game into a surrogate. The pressure mounts on the field and any loss, any poor play becomes an extension of the rejection a coach feels at work, or at home. Financial issues can show up as insecurity, arrogance, and eventually bitterness.
Again, with a travel ball team in which the expenses mount quickly and often, it can bring unseen pressure on a coach to keep up or risk great embarrassment.This is true for parents of players too who feel they sacrifice so much for their player to play this game.
Any conversation about the time and money parents put into their child’s game can quickly devolve into a pissing match of who sacrifices more, and the needs of the child and the team can get lost quickly. Travel or club ball is not recreational ball. It’s not about fairness and you can’t pay for playing time. Instead, you invest for the opportunity for your kid to work their asses off and to be evaluated fairly for their impact on the team and the game. Nothing more.
Some teams seek to resolve this by paying coaches, but does it work? From what I’ve seen, the pay averages out to be around $8-15 hour. For some coaches, that can be a reasonable exchange of time/money investment, for others it’s merely gas money. There are many factors involved, but needless to say, nobody is going to make a career out of coaching travel softball so no, paying coaches is not a guarantee to ward off financial stresses from bleeding into the game.
For comparison, a softball skills coach can charge $40+ per hour and sometimes juggle 2-3 students at that same rate. It’s safe to say, no travel club has the budget to pay a coach like that. Finding a coach that loves the game and has their life in balance, that is the key.
What Now?
Equally important is for a coach to find balanced parents that aren’t stressed and start worrying about playing time vs cost. Most coaches do their level best to recruit and offer players they feel can grow into a role. The fact is, many kids don’t rise to that occasion. As parents, we can help coaches by listening to their critique of our children. It is up to us then to determine if the data adds up and if true, challenge our daughters to compete at a higher level. If the data doesn’t add up, then it’s just a bad fit, probably for many reasons shown above.
So, what do you do if you find yourself in one of these season-killing positions?
My suggestion is to ride it out—finish the season. You are likely on this team because of a quick, previous decision. Tryouts are fashioned that way in most cases. At first, teams make it all about the players as it should be. “Can they or can’t they add value?” is the biggest question of a tryout. And once you get an offer, you usually have only a few days to decide because “other players are waiting.”
A team’s philosophy, their vision, their ability to execute, those all matter but seldomly do they come up in or around a tryout. Neither does a player’s full intent and commitment to rise up to challenges presented during the off-season and active season.
Frankly, from what I’ve experienced, I would guesstimate that about 70% of coaches and teams fall into these traps in any given season.
If you can, start scouting a potential team early. Learn about it’s coaches. Watch their games if you can. Practices are great and you can learn a lot, but truly it’s the game-time management that will reveal the most about a program. See how the coaches are reacting during wins and losses. Are they still teaching in both of those moments? Great coaches will.
Or are they throwing their hat, yelling, or giving long speeches after games to wind down their emotions?
Are they winning? There are a limited amount of softball plays available to players so winning comes down to simply to performance which is all about preparedness and execution. Does the team function as one unit or a group of individuals? Does the team look uptight and anxious? Or do they look competitive and calm? How about the coaches?
Winning isn’t everything. In fact, it is estimated that 20% of the teams win 80% of the games. So the key then, if not winning, is the coach and the team building? Are they competitive and just falling short which means they are on the right track and need more time. Coaches cannot microwave success and a coach that recruits only blue-chip, developed players isn’t a coach, a curator of talent. No, those coaches are are simply managers of talent.
Do the coaches talk to the parents socially or do they slip away after games hoping to avoid any confrontations? Granted, after a game, there is a lot going through a coach’s mind. “Did the strategy I used work or did it fail? Why? What can we do to improve?” So don’t expect coaches to be social butterflies. But…if they are uptight after a game, especially a loss, is there something else going on?
It’s best to support your coach. But at the exact moment you don’t understand the vision, the coach won’t communicate a vision, and the team can’t execute a vision—tensions are going to mount, divisions will rise. Does everybody on the team have the patience to trust that process and endure some suffering? Suffering, losing, failing are all prerequisites to success.
If you can, if you have the time and ability, try to connect to your coach—show compassion, empathy, and awareness. It may not work, they may feel even more threatened by such actions, but at least you will have tried. Relationship and financial issues are hard, and everybody has them at some point in life. Maybe your coach will feel heard and able to hear constructive criticism and to adapt their style, to build some boundaries between home, work, and the game we all love.
Maybe instead they will feel defensive, attacked, and threatened. Coaches are often overworked and under-appreciated, volunteer coaches even more so. Do the best you can and if you can’t connect, you will know what to look for, what steps are necessary at the end of the season.
Caution
Don’t get lost or wrapped up in a coach’s pain. It’s easy to do. And if you are the opposite sex of the coach, do be careful with emotions. When any of the issues above are going on, coaches are more vulnerable to weakness and poor judgment. Don’t add to it by becoming the surrogate yourself. Instead, get your spouse or another parent involved with you to address needs, concerns, and ask about the vision.
The last thing a team already struggling needs is a scandal.
